"The journey of a thousand miles starts from beneath your feet." -Lao Tzu

This journey started when the ground beneath my feet crumbled. It was in December 2020 when my husband of 43 years was diagnosed with COVID-19. A mere two weeks later he passed away and that is where my journey began. In our years together we were separated three times. Once when his grandfather passed and he went to the funeral (a weekend trip); once when I took our sons to see their grandparents (a week long trip), and once when I left him until he could choose me over alcohol (a 6 month stint in which I saw him almost everyday.) For the most part, our lives together were just as many others, we worked, we procreated, we nurtured, we played, we loved, and we grew. It was a normal marriage in my eyes, but I have come to realize that it was really quite extraordinary. In many marriages people grow apart. In others they grow together. Ben was a frustrating contradiction of so many characteristics, but I loved him beyond measure and there was almost nothing he could do that I could not have forgiven. I know that I was the love of his life because he let me know every day. I have discovered since his passing through hours and hours of therapy and journaling, discussions with my sons, and talks with friends that we were the exception, not the rule. My friends tell me that intimacy is almost an obligation of sorts in their marriages - we were intimate in some way everyday. My sons tell me that nearly all of their friends have parents who have divorced or have very dysfunctional relationships - we made it work, because we worked at it. My therapists have told me that our relationship was truly special.

We were married when I was 17 years old and he was 22. I went from living with my father to living with my husband. Our first son was born when I was 20. We had two more sons, all four years apart. They were our lives and we were each other's. We taught them to love each other, to be kind, to work hard, to laugh a lot, and to always have a mind to learn new things. They tell me now that they learned to love their wives from watching their dad love me and that they learned to be good fathers because they had such a great father. This was the journey of Ben's life - to break the cycle of dysfunctional fathers in his family line. He was not a great provider, so I learned to provide. He saw the good in everyone (to my great frustration), so I became his protector. He kept his thoughts and feelings close to his chest, so I was the one who did all the talking. He was a kind man who loved deeply and faced his demons down without fanfare and became a really awesome dad. I like to think that because I provided, I protected, and I talked, it gave him the freedom to break the dysfunction that clouded his childhood. I am proud of the life we made together.

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Before Ben contracted COVID we were planning my retirement. I kept joking with him that on my last day of work I planned to buy a motor home on my way home. So, when I pulled in the driveway, he better be ready to hop in with the dogs because we were going to travel. He would always protest, but secretly he was really looking forward to it.