A Love Letter to Ben

November 12, 2021

Dear Ben,

I want to thank you for many things that you brought to my life. First and foremost, our sons. If not for you I would not have them to love and to be loved by them. I want to thank you for the being a great dad who always loved your sons and always supported them in the best ways you could. I want you to know that I always felt that you loved me and you really did want the best for me. I always loved you and also wanted the best for you. I think we were young and developed or grew into habits that weren't always the best for each other, but the love was always, always there. I wish that your capacity to love would have extended to yourself, but I'm fairly certain that your depression prevented that from happening. I'm sorry that you were never fully actualized into the person you wanted to be. We both settled - not for each other, but for the life we felt we deserved. You tried to control the uncontrollable, me. I always felt like I had to fight my way out of the box you tried to build around me. I'm not even certain now that either of us knew what we were doing to each other at the time. I stayed with you because I loved you and for other reasons, as well, but we know that humans don't always choose what is best for them, usually choosing what is in front of us or what seems the path of least resistance. Hind sight is, as they say, 20/20. Who knows maybe it was me that held you back - maybe it was me that made you feel inadequate to the task of becoming who or what you really wanted or needed to be. You were a smart person with great ideas and many talents, you just didn't believe in yourself or I didn't believe in you enough. These are things I will ponder for the rest of my life. Was I good enough? Was I what you needed? Did I stay because I was afraid of the unknown? Was I partly responsible for building that box around myself? Did I stay for you, me, or the boys?

At any rate I suppose none of that matters now. You're gone and I never would have chosen for it to be this way, but it is. So I loved you Ben - I love you still - all the good, all the bad, all the ugly, all the hurt, all the healing, all the anger, all the misunderstanding, I accept and love it all, but I'm letting go of it to just reminisce about your smile, the way you touched me when you were loving me, the way you loved your sons and your grandchildren, your sense of humor, and your compassion for strangers (especially women who cry.)

You were the worst thing that ever happened to me and the best thing that ever happened to me. I will always love you - I promise that will never change and I will miss you until I see you again beyond this world.

Love,

Laurie