June 28: Just Breathe

dieppalaurie
Jun 29, 2021
6 min read

Today's post is dedicated to someone we all know. That person who is on a journey of self discovery after years of identifying as a couple. A journey to find inner peace and self love. This could also include the spiritual journey to reconnect to our creator, our God, The Universe, etc. No, it's not me, although this describes me at this point in my life. But we all know or have known a person or are that person who identifies in this way. I dedicate this day to that someone who knows who they are.

"Life is short, time is fast, no replay, no rewind, so enjoy every moment as it comes." Lifehack

Now by Laurie Dieppa

Now is the best time.

It is the only real time

Time passed can't be changed

Time unwritten can't be predicted

Now is what we have and control

Take chances

Risk everything (including your heart)

Live without fear

Seize every moment

Make something happen

You may never know how perfect the possibilities might have been.

Today was all about slowing down the pace. I've been going fast

The swellling in my foot goes up and down. I seriously think I broke a bone in the top of my left foot. 😩

Jean-Luc thinks he can stare me into typing faster, so he can go outside! He’s right. 🙄

since I left California, actually since I left my driveway. Everyday a new one nighter, a new city, a new state, new neighbors. So many gas stations - some with chickens, some without. Yesterday I stopped at a gas station just outside of Little Rock. Where the slowest and most incompetent of humans was manning the cash register. First I pulled up to pump #2. I noticed a sign that said, "car reedr not werkin." So I pulled back to pump #4, no sign, so I think I'm good to go. I swipe my card everything good so far, but then the screen just goes blank. I go inside to find a woman who I am pretty sure is 10 years younger than she actually looks. Her hair is what we used to call, "frosted" (like really bad blonde highlights) that as though she gave herself a haircut with dull scissors only a few moments ago. Her shirt was not just wrinkled, but looked like she had washed it in the sink, wring it, and left it that way to dry. Then possibly slept in it. She looked oh so tired and every movement she made was first anticipated by eye movements towards what she planned to do. I told her my situation at the pump #4. She said, "Yes'm he card readers out there ain't werkin'." I asked if I could prepay inside and then pump the gas. To which she stated, "I don't know how to do that, but you can go pump and then pay if I turn the pump on." I said, "Okay, let's do that." I go outside, put the handle in my gas tank and nothing happens. I wait... go back inside. Apparently she turned on pump #2, so i had to pull forward again. At last a full tank of gas. I go back in to pay, run my card to which the screen reads, "waiting for cashier." I look up and darned if she isn't literally looking into space. Like all the answers to life's questions were written on the ceiling and she had just learned to read. I waited and watched her as a small line began to form behind me. I was afraid to break the spell. Then suddenly she looked down at the register and pushed a button. She handed me my receipt and said, "Have a nice day, mam." WTF? I felt like I was in a Stephen Kind novel and when I went out to the care there would MIST rolling in. Bazaar doesn't even come close to describing this encounter. As I was getting into my car, a guy with Oregon plates looked at me and said, "it wasn't just me was it?" I just laughed and shook my head.

Back to today. I finally felt like I could get up slowly and actually wake up. I did my 45 minute yoga routine. Ate a bowl of cereal and read a few articles in a magazine. Then I took the dogs for a walk. I wanted to take them to be groomed, but PetSmart won't take dogs with heart murmurs and all my dogs have a heart murmur. They slept in the air conditioned trailer while I went to have the best massage of my life. Ben has been with me throughout this whole trip - I feel him with me most of the time. I told him to stay in the trailer with the dogs while I was gone because I was afraid to leave them. Anyway, Michael at Massage Envy in Germantown Memphis gave me a really good massage for my aching feet, hands, and neck. He has his degree in psychology and kineseology and was a teacher for emotionally disturbed students. He said that it took so much out of him - not the kids, but the system, so he went into massage therapy where he makes approximately the same money. That's because he is so good at it. It was the best massage (I think I already said that) I ever had without a happy ending. I slowed down so much today, I didn't even do my dishes or my laundry. So, I guess I know what I'm doing tomorrow. For two days I've been listening to the music of Justin Bieber. Now you maybe asking yourself what could a 60 year old woman get out of the music of The Bieb, but he is surprising self-aware and has been on a similar journey as my friend and I. He's grown up, discovered what he needs to be happy and content in this life. He's also developed a relationship with a woman he loves and adores, as well as a relationship with his God. His latest album has really been inspiring - Some of the songs I relate to are:

As I Am, which reminds me of Ben. He used to tell me to just love him. I truly did and still do.

Unstable, which is about hiding our insecurities and vulnerability. Also about our reliance on the love of others when we can't love ourselves. As well as how memories haunt us.

Die for You and Somebody are both about the kind of love we all long for.

Hold On is about reaching out to others who can help carry the load - someone who will listen and understand because they've been where you are.

Ghost,which is about losing that someone and how the longing is so painful and how you just want to be with them whatever that means.

Loved by You is about how we change ourselves to be accepted by others who might not actually be the best thing for us. Then when we change or don't change, but continue to be self-critical.

Anyone is about that one person who is the only one who fits the empty space beside you like an invisible puzzle piece.

Lonely, is about the obvious feeling of how we are all in this alone. The ache in his voice when he sings, "I'm so lonely" breaks my heart and reflects exactly how I've felt since January 6th. It always makes me cry.

I Can't Be Myself is about how it's hard to be ourselves by ourselves when we've been a couple for so long,.

Lifetime, which goes like this, "some people bring you a million blessings, some people teach you a million lessons, some people come in your life for a reason, others they come in your life for a season, but you are a lifetime. Show me the darkest parts of your heart, I ain't gonna run." I think this one speaks to me for obvious reasons. 43 years out of 60 is my lifetime.

Relaxing, listening to music, writing, reading, and connecting with my family was exactly what I needed today.