August 22: No One Told Me I Had a Choice

Today’s post is dedicated to determination. Just dealing with what has been placed in front of you. I’ve had so many people tell me how brave and strong I am because of what I am doing - on the road by myself and because of the loss of Ben. But I wasn’t given a choice: live with or without Ben. If I had we would be doing this roadtrip together. I see so many couples in their huge RV’s traveling together and sharing the load. Now that there is only me to rely on each day it is determination, not strength or bravery that gets me through. Anyone who knows me knows that a challenge is almost like a dare for me. I’m the kid who did anything on a dare - I’m not stupid - it had to actually be doable. This why I had to buy the sign I put in my post two days ago, “Life would be really funny if it weren’t happening to me.”

”It’s not who you are that holds you back, it’s who you think you’re not.” - daretocultivate.com

”I may not be there yet but I’m closer than I was yesterday.” - Unknown

”There is no force more powerful than a woman determined to rise.” - Unknown

So today I woke up lazily - I’ve got to get some stuff done. I was petting Jean-Luc because he was being extra needy this morning and I found a tick on him. YIKES! - I got it out and cut his hair around the wound, which bled quite a lot and then washed it with antibacterial soap. I’ll have to take him into the animal clinic tomorrow to make sure. This dog has never had a flea, but he gets a tick. I checked him from head to toe and didn’t find anymore. Then I checked Bobby. Easier to look on him - but no ticks on him either. Oh dread. Now I don’t want to take them to any dog parks, but they love, love, love seeing the other dogs. I had a day of crying - so I got nothing done. I’ve been writing in my journal, crying, writing poetry, crying, and sleeping all day. I guess I’ll do laundry tonight.

So I have a confession of sorts to make. It’s no secret that I loved and adored Ben and that I miss him in every part of my mind and body. It’s also no secret that I do not want to be alone for the rest of my life. Before I left California I was talking to two men. One of them the psychic told me to run from, but I can’t stop thinking about him. I’ve reached out to him a couple of times, but I get no response. I know that he sees this as being respectful. I don’t want to explain why - I just know how he thinks. The other I met on a site affiliated with facebook. The psychic said that he is a nice guy, but not for me. I’ve talked to him many times on this trip and we text often. Today I realized what the psychic meant. He is a bit selfish and I think it is why he’s never been married.

So about three weeks ago when I met Ron Redman and I really felt an attraction - I know he’s married, but I didn’t know that then. I decided to go online and I signed up on OurTime.com. I’ve chatted on the site with maybe 3 or 4 men, but it seems like they all say the same things. It doesn’t make me want to know more about them because we’re all on the site because we “want someone to share life with.” I need to know what your life experiences have been. This is why I can’t stop thinking about the one the psychic told me to run from. At least he shared what he’s afraid of, what he hopes for, and what life experiences shaped him. If a man can’t share on that deeper level, I don’t find him very interesting. I especially don’t like the guys who say, “My special woman takes care of herself like I do.” It turns me off because these men just grew older - they didn’t give birth to their children, have hysterectomies, nurse those babies for two years each. I haven’t always been physically fit, but I’m not slob. I care about my health, nutrition, and I’m active, but I want to be attractive to someone for being me, not my choice to go to the gym three times a week. As I sit and write this I start to get a bit depressed. Maybe my life’s challenge when I set off for Earth this time was to conquer being alone. Maybe this is my whole life lesson. Damn, that sucks! I loved the way Ben looked at me, kissed me, touched me, loved me. Am I being selfish to want that twice in one lifetime? Am I being punished for not treasuring him enough when I had him? He wasn’t perfect and neither am I, but no one who really knew us could ever say that we didn’t love each other.

Just took the dogs out for a walk. There were two couples slow dancing outside their camper. It just made me cry. I want someone. My person to slow dance with. I need a hug so bad I feel like I’m going to implode.

I’m looking forward to Yvette’s visit tomorrow. I’m hoping she can help me out of my funk. Whenever I feel sad and lonely, it gets worse because I feel like I’ve let myself down. Like I should be feeling stronger by now. I shouldn’t need anyone. I should be able to do this living thing all by myself. But, like Eric Carmen said, “Don’t want to be all my myself anymore.” Children are wonderful, grandchildren are wonderful, relatives are helpful, friends are nice, but they don’t fill the shape that is empty next to my body while I sleep or by my side when I need a hug. The space that used to be shaped like Ben, but now I have no idea whose or if anyone‘s shape will fit.